I’m debating whether to do a story the Sunday Times want me to write about the new female Viagra. It’s called Addyi (Fibanserin). It was legalised in the US in October, although it sounds like a load of old rubbish to me. The way male Viagra works is by sending blood to the dick. Addyi works like an anti-depressant. So you wake up and look over at your wife-beater husband and think “Oh, he’s so great. I must have sex with him!” My friend, the New York psychopharmacologist, Dr Julie Holland, author of last year’s Moody Bitches, is suspicious of Addyi. “Number one,” she told me, “it doesn’t work. Number two, it has a ‘black box’ warning meaning that you pass out if you drink too much alcohol. And number three, it doesn’t work.” Studies so far have shown that Addyi people have between one and two more sexual experiences per month.
Even so, there was a story in the December issue of US Vogue about it. The strap line was: “ A medication that can unlock the puzzle of female libido?” (Old Fleet Street tip: never have a headline with a question mark at the end). The gist of the Vogue article is that the writer doesn’t start swinging from the chandeliers with her husband when she takes the pill, but she does start thinking about sex more. She writes: “At yoga class I stretch on my mat and try to quiet my thoughts. The instructor places her hand on my back. Her skin feels warm. . . . Do I smell bergamot?”
Come on! Of course you are thinking about sex more. You are being paid to write an article for Vogue about it. Plus, if you’re into the trippy, heightened senses and smell thing, why not drop an Ecstasy pill on the weekend and save yourself the bother of paying $800 per month (the price if you’re not on an insurance plan) and having a miserable time being on the wagon?
Here is a cheaper way of getting your groove back. Have a wank. Have a wank and have a glass of champagne. That Vogue story is pernicious . It ends with the writer saying she’s going to re-fill her prescription. So Vogue now wants us to wear size 6 dresses and have expensive interior decor in our houses and take a black box mediation. It’s like Chinese foot binding although, actually, I probably have some friends in San Francisco who are into that.
Dr Julie Holland gave me a great tip for a truly good aphrodisiac:
You mix coconut oil mixed with marijuana butter. Coconut oil is anti-bacterial, anti-microbial and anti-fungal. Even without weed in it, it’s a good sex lube. Better than almond oil. With the weed mixed in, you rub it on your pussy and bob’s your uncle, apparently. No need to take the Stepford Wife pills. Some of the marijuana stores in San Francisco sell a marijuana-infused beauty oil called Foria. I read a review about it where a chick put it on her cunt and then decided she found it a bit boring. So she decided to drink it instead. She passed out on her bed and came round with her naked body covered in potato chips. On second thoughts, definitively just stick to masturbation for getting your libido back.