goodie bag

Stealth Masturb

In Sex Drive by Stephanie TheobaldLeave a Comment

Someone just asked me why I haven’t been writing about wanking during my trip to America. Good question, Sex Drive, is after, all about masturbation. But the thing is, solo sex on the road isn’t as easy as you might think. Being a house guest, for instance, is a full time job in itself. Right now, I’m staying in the Venice (LA) house of the dad of a very dear friend of mine who died from Mademoiselle Cancer, as Timothy Leary called it, four years ago. I actually have my own bed here in my own room, but it’s adjacent to the dad’s bedroom and well, there is the noise factor to consider. The Good Vibrations sex toy goodie bag I picked up from the anal fisting play in San Francisco had a vibrator in it. A cheap pink plastic thing. Can you see it?

goodie bag

That silver star thing isn’t a fairy wand, by the way. The star has rough glitter on it and it has a black “reinforced handle.” The pink thing is the vibrator. It has “California Exotic Novelties” written on it. And eight settings. Vibrate (three different strengths), Pulse (three different types) and then two Pulse and Vibrate settings. The low strength vibrate is the only one that makes a palatable noise level. The other strengths sound like I could be shaving my legs, but who shaves their legs at midnight for about 35 minutes when they go to bed? The other settings sound like a loud dentist’s drill. I did manage the Vibrate Strength one last night. The fantasy revolved around a new LA threesome website my dyke friend was telling me about. Red Light Center. I haven’t tried the site yet but there was a Hispanic maid and the beardy dude who came into the Venice Beach internet cafe the other day with a skateboard (iPhones and handbags are out here, carrying wheels is the only look you need). But it was a complicated manoeuvre. I kept wanting to turn the plastic vibrator off (this technique is known as “Edging,” in case you didn’t know. Check out the technique on the amazing web site which teaches you different types of orgasm with the help of so-realistic-it’s-scary graphics). Except that you can’t just turn off this cheapo plastic piece of California Exotic Novelty crap. You have to go through all the 8 different settings before it stops buzzing around. You can hardly lose yourself in erotic abandon. Well, you can a bit.

Stealth wanking is a good one, actually. I know you’re supposed to let it all hang out when you wank but thanks to my Catholic upbringing I do get quite excited by the idea of letting it all hang in. Not giving yourself what you want. For instance, if my particular couch surfing option for this day is a shared blow-up mattress in Echo Park after a marijuana-infused night on the tiles and I am lying next to a hot dyke who is in committed relationship then I am: 1) not going to want to blow my temporary housing option and 2)have lesbian drama tumble down upon my head by actually jumping on top of said dyke in the night. But there are times when even stealth masturbation is not OK. Like the air bed situation. Or masturbating on someone’s couch while they’re out at work.  At times like these, the best etiquette is to slink off to the bathroom and do a quick standing-up job as you lean with your back to the door. Standing up getting off is an art that requires practice. My friends at don’t have that learning option yet on their web site yet, but then they are only in “Season One” of their offered sex techniques.

Here they are in San Francisco where 50-seed-healthy-hemp-bread is more de rigueur in cafes than skateboards.

OMg peeps



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